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Thursday, 14 October 2010

Currently
Hands All Over
By Maroon 5
see related
Walkin

g Away
Sometimes I wish that no one would walk away.
But at the same time I don't think anyone's actually there.
Since this whole process has started I have started to feel increasingly more distant to one of my friends. I can't help it.
If he doesn't make an effort I feel like I can't even reach out anymore. I tried a lot. I did a lot. I can't do it anymore.
I was the one who put myself out there & made myself uncomfortable to tell the truth. I can't handle this anymore. If he can't be around me anymore it's not my fault,
I can't even bring myself to text him. I used to not be able to go a day without doing it. Now I can't care. I just don't. If he really wanted to see me or talk to me, then he would. Mixed signals suck. I don't know what to do. I know what I won't do.
I shouldn't have to do anything.
& to top it off, now that the wench is gone for a bit I thought we'd hang out more w/o that annoyin person in my hair. However, everytime she has gone, he & I have still not hung out as much as I predicted.
Everytime I think something is gonna happen it doesn't.
Something's gonna happen.
I can't wait for this year to be over.
Then I can be done with this
And I'll never feel guilty again

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

Fitness Journal

I've decided to get in bikini shape for the summer.
I started on Monday w/ my first Power 90 Resistance Workout (35 mins)
Then I did the Body Flex Program (23 mins)
I figure I shall do at least one a day in order to achieve my goal. My reason for this is because I currently weight 152, a weight at which I looked great when I was 16, but I don't look the same. I think it is because I have lost a significant amount of muscle and it has been replaced with fat. I have decided to do Power 90 for reals this time & the last time I tried it was last year. After my first day I realized why I wasn't able to stick with it. It's really tough. But it's necessary if I'm gonna compete with my sister in a bikini look. I have never worn a bikini in public and would like to be able to look good in one and not be embarassed around friends or family. Rather, I would like to look friggin' awesome. And my knees are a lot better than they were last year so workouts are more tolerable.
Tuesday I tried to do the 2nd day of P90, the Cardio program and didn't even make it through Power Yoga. I was bummed out. I tried it again today and made it through the warm up and power yoga but after that was breathing pretty heavily. So I decided to take it easy again & I will work up til I am able to do the full cardio workout before I reattempt the resistance workout. I only did the beginnings of the workout on Tuesday.
3. Today is Wednesday & I was able to make it through the stretching and power yoga of P90. I just completed the Greer Childers' Body Flex Program.
At first I was interested in purchasing the Brazil Butt Lift workout or Zumba because both seemed to have the results I was looking for. But I realized before I buy anything else, I need to commit to the programs I've already bought in order to create the good habit of succeeding. If I complete these programs, then I can buy more that will help my body look better. The two motivating factors in this program for me is I need to do something every day because I need to look good in a bikini & "what can it hurt" if i committ to succeeding every day then there is no way I can fail. I am fed up with excuses. I need to do this for myself. And another motivating factor is that after I have gotten a great body, I can spend money on lots of new clothes to have that I will have been saving up. then I can be happy with how I look & look hot. Then I can be comfortable with my self-image and feel less insecure.
So far I have completed 3 days of this program. I plan to do everything for at least 90 days until I look & feel good.
My plan is to look good by the end of August.
The hearts are for each day I love myself & have done something to succeed. I need to have 90 hearts by the end of da summer

Friday, 16 April 2010

Currently
Raymond v. Raymond
By Usher
Hey Daddy (Daddy's Home)
see related
Celibacy

Maybe this is a better idea. Perhaps I will value my friendships more if I do not use people for favors. Maybe I should just repress for now and see how things go. Nothing really bad can come from this. Except maybe dwindling self-esteem...But that's really nothing new.
Reasons for Considering Celibacy
1. Sex has become lame. People who start out with me usually say they can last 45+ minutes. Once I start working on it, they are down to 15 and that's just from me using the neck up. So then sex is basically become 2 minutes or less. What's the point of waiting all that time for someone to do their business if they're just gonna disappoint?
2. Lack of paranoia about pregnancy. This way I will worry less about the risk of pregnancy though I doubt it's possible it's just with the antibiotics & the birth control I don't know for sure. But more than likely it's impossible. But celibacy is the only way to ensure a complete guarantee
3. Not having a boyfriend makes the idea of sex less attractive. Though a relationship is not necessarily a contract, it mimicks one in a way. In friends with benefits contracts there are not specific boundaries which get entangled in unfulfilled expectations, feelings, and jealousy (not on my end>but it certainly gets annoying enough)
4. Zero chance of catching diseases. Not like I'm worried about that in the first place since me & both, well now I only have 1 partner now are clean.
5. Less chance of feeling like a piece of shit.... but I suppose I'll feel that way either way so it is not even really worth mentioning.
6. Self-esteem. Knowing I don't have to give anything up for someone to be around me. Caring about someone not only for their junk. Which will be hard to do (no pun intended)

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Mandy

Ok, I've been addicted to this stupid video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHaRptTNBTI
More so the song, mind you. I haven't really taken a good swing at schoolwork yet, which I need to do, Watched DWTS, it was ok. I love how critical those judges are, it cracks me up. And to digress, with the new desktop, my WPM is back up to 85-90 WPM like it used to be. I can't help but keep being hungry lately, but anyways i been losin' weight and exercisin' more lately. This started cuz I started just losing inches cuz i haven't been eating, I guess the motivation from looking better made me wanna just busst my ass.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

No Promises

No promises, no commitments, why I can't handle that? Why? Like, I'm the most commitment phobe-person & yet I can't handle not having this security. i hate not knowing, like why can't I handle it. I guess I'll have to get used to uncertainty.